Saturday, May 24, 2014

How Motherhood made me Selfish.

I started blogging again mostly because I needed something to do postpartum, some way to feel like there is still a part of me that isn't a mom. Wow, that sounds cruel. I mean it in a sense that it's important to remember I am still a wife, sister, daughter, friend: a woman. If you read my posts, this time around, you probably noticed they feel sort of empty. Don't they?

We received a thank you card from my mom for Mother's Day and I realized that I probably haven't written a thank you card since the baby shower. Thank you notes were always a special way to let people know I care. To let them know I consider myself lucky to have them in my life. I became so wrapped up in being a mom that I forgot everyone else. Motherhood made me selfish. And I gladly let it happen.

For Valentines Day, my sisters kids made Baby Huu cards. It was such a sweet sentiment that I framed the cards. I think about how much love went into the idea to have her kids make him cards every time I see them. Where is the person in me who would do the same?

So maybe I'm one of the worst gift givers in history. And maybe I don't always know how to express emotions, but not thinking of others often enough to express affection an entirely new downfall.

Baby Huu is my world. My reason to wake in the morning. He guides my every thought, every action. He is my identity. Letting someone else take care of him means I am lost. I don't know who I am, if not his caretaker. Motherhood made me selfish in that my new identity is my only dimension.

I used to love writing the Little Things segment. It was a reminder that the smallest of actions have a big impact on life. From a warm cup of tea, to a baker letting me buy his grandmothers dessert plate because I loved it so much (it wasn't for sale, just for serving cupcakes), to sitting on the patio feeling the sunshine. The little things are what give life meaning. Without them, we are void.

Is void how my life will be remembered because I got so lost in one single aspect of life? I want my family to remember feeling the love I have for them when we are together.

I subconsciously hoped returning to Ann Huus Cameo would guide me towards remembering the little things, but I quickly focused on using it as an excuse to be someone else. I wanted to remember who I was a long time ago. Where I failed was in not opening my heart. I don't blame anyone for thinking my recent posts are empty. The person behind them was empty.

We spent last Sunday afternoon at the duck pond. While it was hard to let go of some control, without forcing my self to stop being mom for a second, I might have missed this beautiful moment. Laughter comes so easily to my boys. The warmth in their laughter is one of the things I love most about them. Spending time with them reminded me that it's ok for my baby to be my heart and soul, but I need to remember I am still a woman with a husband, sisters, parents, and friends. They deserve my heart just as much as he does. Maybe motherhood didn't make me selfish after all. Maybe it made me selfless by giving me the ability to love to a greater depth then before.

Here's to spending Memorial Day weekend with family, remembering those who gave their lives for our freedom and cherishing the lives of those who are still with us. Thank you to all who serve, and their families. Go out and spend this weekend with those you love. Be selfless. Make memories.